Our Road to Having a Homebirth

People who know how crazy and fast my labor with Baby Blue was probably assume that the reason my husband and I are choosing a homebirth with this baby is that we don't want another baby born in the car.  Although this made our decision a clear and easy one, it is not the main reason.

Once I found out I was expecting our first child I looked into every option and was drawn to the idea of a homebirth. Unfortunately this was not received with support from people I worked with. As I began researching more I felt it was a safe option, but then I also knew several women who had homebirths previously and let's just say a few left me feeling less than confident in the saftey factor. In fact, I became down-right afraid of what labor and birth entailed because of their haunting stories of their homebirths, so my husband and I decided that a hospital birth was the best way for our first little one. The birth went as smoothly as can be expected in a hospital setting, as long as I stood firm- even kicking a nurse because she really needed to back off. In any event, I look back on that birth with great fondness and no regret. I remember her purple little body being laid on my chest and me thinking, "She is not my baby...she is ALL my husband....but she's so pretty and I love her". Thankfully I had the presence of mind to insist on breastfeeding right away and she seemed quite enthusiastic about the idea. They let me completely finish feeding her before I handed her to my husband and mother while I was stitched up. (Because she came so fast I had a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear... This was truly the worst part of it all.)  The nurses were actually great this first time around in the hospital- very supportive, left us alone, let my daughter room in and never separated us. I had the greatest nurse (she reminded me of an old spirited southern nanny) who helped Ruby Red latch on and helped us breastfeed successfully. My OB/GYN was amazing as well and very open to whatever I wanted. I was very lucky.

The second time around I knew I couldn't listen to anyone else's stories of their births, whether in the hospital or at home, and had to go with my "gut"- and that was telling me to go with a homebirth. Yet my husband was skeptical, offering that he'd be OK with the decision to birth at home but not entirely comfortable with the idea. But I needed him to be more than OK- I needed him on-board 100% and knew that he wasn't. I have also learned that he comes around in his own time and so I prayed for wisdom, clarity and open-mindedness on both our parts. It became apparent that he wasn't going to be comfortable with a homebirth and I willingly accepted that. More than anything I needed us to be on the same page and I knew I could hold my own in a hospital setting so the thought didn't worry me in the least. I was somewhat criticized for letting how my husband felt affect my decision, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I prayed that through this birth my husband would see that there was a better way, but I also prayed for the safety of the baby and myself. I didn't want either of us to suffer to prove anything. God truly took care of this as our little Baby Blue couldn't wait any longer and arrived en route to the hospital, completely healthy and kicking away on my chest. She was a champ from the start and I again insisted on breastfeeding her before any "checks" be done on either one of us and the hospital obliged. This time I had an obnoxious nurse about my age who treated me like I was stupid and bossed me around, telling me I wasn't doing things right by having her sleep in bed with me and that I was nursing her too much. After putting that nurse in her place and being assigned a new one, our stay was lovely and relaxing and I had a lot of time to bond with her before we brought her home to meet Ruby Red. It really was a blessing in disguise since our Ruby Red broke a fever of 104 degrees the night I went into labor with Baby Blue. She lay on the couch listless and so sick and both her grandmothers did more to take care of her and give her the snuggles she needed than I would have been able to. I ached to be with her yet I needed to be with my new baby. God knew what He was doing and it really did work out the way it was supposed to.

Immediately after the birth of Baby Blue I was less than willing to compromise the third time around and was pretty frank with my husband. He instantly agreed that we'd go for a homebirth this time and became informed so that he, too, would be confident in our decision. He has been nothing but supportive and fought for what I want on more than one occasion this pregnancy. It's amazing to see the transformation and when I suggest something that I think may be a point of stress for us to talk through, he has trusted me, researched and backed me on everything. We were originally hoping to go with an unassisted homebirth and he willingly said he'd give it a shot. After much prayer I'm the one who decided this wasn't right for now. My previous two births being so quick I had no time to control pushing to reduce tearing or change positions. I also went into shock both times and was pretty sick afterwards, as my body didn't have time to ease into labor...and then suddendly there was a person coming out of my body. My husband was a huge factor in my being OK after the birth of both girls, but I'm still apprehensive about the tearing. In talking to my midwife about how I wanted to have an unassisted birth she has been nothing but supportive and encouraging, reassuring us that she will stand back and basically let us still have that unassisted birth, while being there to make sure I'm OK after the baby is born. I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds as eveyone who I want to support me is doing so.

I am more than excited about the birth of this baby. My husband has been the most incredible support with my other two births and I couldn't do this without him. I'd like to call him my amazing "doula" but he really wouldn't like that...  Yet he really does know how to keep me calm and focused, which is quite a task as my body goes from 0-1000 in minutes. It's similar to a sprint- most women experience going through a marathon where they can at least ease into it a little bit and process what's going on, but so far I have had time for neither. We have pictures of us, our sonogram picture and the Blessed Mother present during the birth and he reminds me to unite my pain to the Cross. It is a very unifying and holy experience and takes away most anxiety. It truly is beautiful for us and I cannot wait to experience it with him again....except for those last few minutes of course. But those are fleeting and behold the most precious gift of a new life that we have cooperated in bringing into this world.

I have no regrets with our decisions in the past. They have helped shaped us both into true advocates for homebirth and fighting for what a woman wants and deserves during birth. Those experiences also give me a deep respect for each woman who decides to do it in her own way. One way is NOT better or more beautiful than the other.  Each brings a little baby into the world and each shapes your character and hopefully brings you and your spouse closer together. True, one way is best for you and your spouse and I hope you follow your heart in your decision.

Motherly Instinct

When I first found out I was pregnant with my oldest I knew there were going to be a lot of opinions and unwanted advice thrown at me. I also knew that it would be hard for me and my husband to sift through the information and figure out what was in the best interest of our children and what worked best for us. It was a long hard lesson and we made many "mistakes" along the way that have made us both more confident and better parents. Needless to say, this second time around we are the ones in control and refuse to be swayed by others.
It is hardest when you're doing differently what your family is telling you how something should be done. Granted, this really hasn't happened too much as we've been blessed with support from both sides, but still I'm sure there are things that I have done as a mother that have left family rolling their eyes or disagreeing with me. We've learned that this is ok though because they mean well and give advice out of love (or at least I think). Maybe the advice they gave wasn't wrong when they went through this but it doesn't mean it's right for us. My husband and I struggled a lot in the beginning. As adults we had to realize that we were ADULTS. We are well-educated and continue to do research, not just on the internet but from many sources and weigh both the pros and cons with everything. I think except for breastfeeding we seriously sought out every option and considered it before figuring out what we would do...and we changed things as we saw one thing or another work or not work. I think it's important to admit when maybe it's time to try something else.l

Qualified: The Case for the Homeschool Mom

My husband and I are soon journeying into "homeschooling" our preschooler. We hemmed and hawed at the idea even before we were expecting our oldest. We knew the sacrifices, the benefits and the things we would like to do differently (there's not much) because he and I, too, were homeschooled.

I have several friends currently dappling with the idea. Some are worried about structure and some about being "qualified" as a teacher. Let me set something straight, if you aren't a complete "ignoramous" you ARE qualified. The beauty of homeschooling is learning and growing with your child. Often your spouse will fill in where you aren't as versed. As a mother or father, it is our right, our duty to educate our children. We have been their primary educators since day one- why change that if the means (jobs, money, spouse, support, etc) allow us to do so? And since the institution of schools has been around for less than a century in the context that we know it, we can see that our children have grown and been nutured successfully in the home for hundreds of years. I know the argument could be made that only the wealthy were eductaed and had tutors but as truthful as this is, this isn't where all genius' came from.

I also realize homeschooling isn't for everyone. My husband and I support any family who decides a traditional school is best for their family. There is no "one way" for anything, education included. Homeschooling, for now, seems to fit us the best. Dan and I have agreed that we will take it one year at a time, each child individually and see what's working and best for that child, us (Dan and I) and our family.

Some would argue that because I'm a stay at home mom I'm not qualified since I don't have an education degree and haven't taught in a classroom setting. Well, I believe this absolutely preposterous! A few of my "education major" friends from college have straight-out told me that the parent is the most qualified teacher out there and that much of the schooling they experienced was about classroom management and planning lessons and bulletin boards, etc for a classroom. I won't have to worry about that. I won't have a classroom of 12 or more students in one grade level.

The fact is I am an educated woman. My husband and I have both earned Bachelors' Degrees and my husband holds a successful job. I went to school for Mental Health and Human Services, minoring in Theology and History. I held 3 internships in college and was offered a job at a local hospital with the agreement that I would be working towards my Masters Degree. After my time in college, I turned down this job in the mental health field, as I felt God had other plans for me and He sure did! It is humbling and sometimes overwhelming that I feel called to be the primary educator of our children- at least for now. It can be difficult to remain confiident in this, since both my husband and I have had conversations with people who aren't afraid to express that they don't think a mom or dad who isn't already a teacher is qualified to teach their own kids.

Because of our education growing up, my husband and I are interested and comfortable teaching different things, or at least different areas of subjects. We compliment each other well and feel we'll be able to provide our children with a well-rounded education. We want to make sure "logic" is something we stress with our children. I have heard that the homeschooled child only believes what their parents tell them. That can also be said of public school children in case you were wondering.  In the younger grades I believe this is important. They shouldn't be questioning their parents yet as they haven't fully cultivated their moral compass in order to figure out right and wrong. They need to trust that their parents aren't steering them wrong. As they become young adults we do want them to somewhat question, let's use the term "wonder", whether mom and dad are right or not. But I want them to do so knowing we are a sounding board. They can ask us questions, especially on morals, ethics, religion and politics. I hope they can see why we believe what we do. If they ask these questions they are making their beliefs their own and will be stronger adults, knowing what they believe, why they believe it and fighting for it. In summary, they should learn how to think not what to think.

Several things are also worth making mention of here. The more involved parents are in the now traditional school setting, the better the student is at excelling. This has been proven by studies of parental involvment and the percentage of high school graduates and college attendees. If we can easily see that parental involvement is important, almost necessary, why can't we go further and realize that if the parents are able to be their child's primary educators, it is such a gift to that child! To go further, let's bring in some statistics. Ew, I know, but important nontheless. The US has been rapidly declining where education is concerned. Once ranked #1 forty years ago, the US now ranks 27th in education among developed countries. The US also tied for 1st place in 1995 for high school graduates, but has since fallen to 14th place in 2006. It is sad to point out that we also have one of the highest college drop-out rates, being 53%. (In case you were wondering, Sweden, Iceland, Denmark, Finland, France and Norway rank highest in many of the percentages mentioned above.)

At these rates it seems obvious that our school systems are failing somewhere. I do NOT blame this on teachers who love their jobs and give their "all" in the classroom, but we all have experienced teachers who just get by, and have heard about the school systems you would never allow your children to go to. To see more on this click here. (This information came from Mothering magazine No. 155, July-August 2009.)

I was scrolling through one of my "mom homeschooling groups" online the other day and several moms were selling homeschooling informational books. My first thought was to jump on these and then the thought came to me that my husband and I already know all about homeschooling from personal experiences. We realize that we don't need to be versed in every homeschooling "philosophy". Instead, we need to focus on what works for us and our children and be committed to bringing the faith into our home. I don't need terms to define and defend what we're doing. My husband and I have talked extensively for the past 4 years about homeschooling, what our experiences were, what we want to keep, what we want to change, increase, decrease, and curriculuum we would like to use. The fact is we won't know every decision until we're at that point. A large part of the discernment will be our children, where we are, what new curriculuum is out there and is it better than the older textbooks that we loved. For now, my husband and I could name you almost every "textbook" for every grade and every subject we want to avoid and which ones we want to use, but I will not share this information with friends right now, because I simply don't know if we'll find something else by the time we get to that grade level.

I have been criticized for using the term "unschooling" as a philosophy that I believe in. To this I will say after reading "The Unschool Manual" a few months back I have learned that, for our family, this is much too lax as we become more involved with educating our children. I use the term loosely, as it is often interchangeable with "homeschooling" and "Montessorian" in our home. I do firmly believe that "unschooling" is the best for preschoolers, as I have seen firsthand how rigorous and strucutred preschools and kindergartens in the area can be. I do not agree with their form, but also think it may be necessary in a school-setting to teach a group of children to insure order instead of chaos. I, personally, do not believe in homework before middle-school and only as necessary after that. If a child is to be expected to sit for 6 hours in the classroom 5 days a week, how unfair to expect them to go home and do another 4 hours or more of homework. What a disadvantage for our children who should be out playing, getting dirty, exploring and questioning things he comes across in his world. This is another type of classroom; one where the child doesn't realize he's learning but he is! My husband recently read a study in a Men's Health magazine in which it was found that most sucessful CEOs spent a greater portion of time as children exploring, adventuring, taking risks and learning outdoors than those who headed up unsuccessful companies. I think the point is that you can learn some of your most important lessons outside of a structured environment. Making observations and asking questions is how the amazing men and women before us became great!

The beauty of homeschooling is the freedom of flexibility and changeability. If something isn't working, try something else. If a child hates learning about the earth's core and isn't planning on being a geologist or archeologist, teach it and move on without dwelling on this particular part of science. If they're interested in health sciences instead, expose them to more of this. I believe children need to learn everything, but it is unfair to force them to master every area of every subject. I spent a lot of my junior and senior years of highschool sitting in on pig's in lung surgery and rat's having spinal cords re-attached. (Really, I did and loved it!) I wanted to be a surgeon and my parents were able to provide ways for me to see what I could. As it turned out, I realized I was called to motherhood first and not to balancing a career as well.

For now we have a classical Catholic preschool curicuulum we have chosen for our daughter. It is meant to be done in 1 year, but already I'm splitting it into 2 years. I refuse to set certain days or times for preschool. We'll do it around the nursing baby, the toddler, the weather and other activities and family time. My oldest and I both thrive on structure, but since I don't feel this is the best way to instill a love of learning early on, we are taking unschooling and a structured curiculuum and melting them into our own preschool. I want some sort-of discipline early so she'll be able to be more independent and driven later on but I don't want any rigor or stress if lessons aren't learned in a certain time frame. Everyone learns at a different pace. I will not (or at least I will try not to) compare my children to other friends in the same grade or the same age. It's just like infancy- why force the baby to sit at 4 months, crawl at 6 months, etc when you know they'll eventually get it. We need to focus on our family not on others. I need to know that we're giving our children quality instead of getting caught up in competition.

May God make His will for your family known and may you be confident going forth in your decision!

Other articles worth reading: (You have to pay to read them. I do own these magazines and am willing to lend them to local moms.)
No More Homework- agree!
When Every Day Is A Homeschool Day- almost fits my unschooling thoughts to a "T"

Together we will serve

I remember one day after daily Mass in highschool where my mom's friend came up to us and told us about a recent trip she went on with just her husband. She explained that they both had different ideas of what they're trip should look like and were trying to make each other happy. The woman decided to let her husband take the lead in planning and trust him. She admitted she was nervous and hoped he knew how to plan a trip successfully. She wasn't saying this to put her husband's intelligence down, but she was definitely uneasy about the whole thing. She was hopeful that her husband would lead them in a close spiritual encounter indiviually and as a couple. She was amazed by the graces poured forth on their marriage for doing this and was convinced it was because she relinquished control.

This story has stayed with me for years. It was a simple yet very profound lesson in a society where woman are advancing and often out-performing men in the business world. With the renaissance of woman having a say in public matters beginning in the 1920's, women have gone on to abuse this. Instead of "equality", woman now traipse around believing they are far superior to men.

How often do you hear women spout off sarcastic jabs at their husbands, boyfriends or other men they know saying, "They're such a man" or "Don't worry honey, it's a man thing". It's as if we're allowing men to be stupid because that's what we think they are. (I don't mean "we" here to mean you and I, but women in general). I mean come on, girls, let's give them a little credit!

Now I know it may have been one of those days or weeks when you're reading this thinking I'm crazy. I have those days myself. The socks and t-shirts are strewn about the bedroom, the wet towel is in a corner with clean clothes, you asked him to dress the baby and she's now in polka-dots, stripes and zebra prints all at once. I've been there. On the other hand, I'm not such a gem to live with all the time either.

I have made a conscious effort in my marriage to replace disdain and annoyance with acceptance and respect. In the past my husband would offer suggestions about wedding planning or mothering and I would immediately tense up. What would a guy know about such things?! Can't he just trust me and follow my lead?! And why does he think that he needs to copy me by sometimes sitting me down like I to do him to say, "You know, I think you're really getting caught up in this" or "This isn't really leading you to holiness. Maybe try               instead." As frustrating and humbling as it is to sit there hearing that you weren't quite the holy woman in an instance that you would like to think you are, it is reassuring to know that I have a marriage that is calling me to holiness. Our vocation, whatever that may be- married, religious or the single life, is a calling to lead a life in submission to the will of God so that we can spend eternity with Him.

My husband and I see ourselves as a team. There isn't one of us that "wears the pants", although we'll laugh along with whoever says it's me just so we're "normal". But really, we are both very opinionated and strong-willed people and need to work together to overcome our "human-ness". We always look at each angle before we come together to decide what the best decision is for our family. It often begins with something we're certain on and then changes as we open our minds to each other and what others have to say. I love knowing that no matter what the topic- parenting, birth, Catholicism, politics, family, money, job, etc.- we are on the same page!

Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. 
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

So often in today's society women take the words from Ephesians 5:22, "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord." literally, as if St Paul is degrading women and making us slaves to men. But what about the verse before (5:21): Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Now we definitely have a new spin on things, and a humbling one at that. Let me go further:

For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband. (Eph 5: 23-33) 

We see here an obvious parallel between Christ and the Church and a husband and wife. We are to enter into a partnership with one another. Wives, we are called to be respectful of our husbands. We are to work with them as they set out to take care of us and make us holy. Men are called to give their very bodies for our own well-being and to respect our bodies.

If women weren't so caught up in the "equality factor", they would see the beauty intended by Christ for marriage as depicted by St Paul in Ephesians.

1 Peter 3:3-4 goes on: Your [wives] adornment should not be an external one...but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God.

Verse 7 calls husbands on: Likewise, you husbands should live with your wives in understanding, showing honor to the weaker female sex, since we are joint heirs of the gift of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

And finally we see in verse 8-12 a unity between the two and how they are to help the other to holiness: Finally, all of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble.

Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary, a blessing, because to this you were called, that you might inherit a blessing. For: "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep the tongue from evil and the lips from speaking deceit, must turn from evil and do good, seek peace and follow after it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears turned to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against evildoers."  

We see here that we aren't told "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" but to forgive and move on in a loving manner. If we receive a snippy or rather cutting remark, let's try to chalk it up to the other having a rough day. When they're cooled down, that is when we can bring it up to let them know how much it hurt us. If we are always returning a rough tone with another, this isn't a dwelling for love and humility. And if we need to make a point known, let's not put the other down but work together calmly to figure things out. My husband and I have promised each other that we will not fight in front of our girls. So far, we have kept that promise. It may be 9 or 10 pm before we get to talking about an issue, but by then our initial anger has often subsided. If it hasn't, we try really hard not to yell and say hurtful things while still getting the point across. It is really hard to do! He and I are both passionate screamers and it takes a lot to not storm out of the room screaming that the other's wrong, doesn't care or thinks the other is stupid. Ugh! We have done away with much unneccessary drama and hurtful things that are said "in the moment". Our hope is that our girls will learn how to deal with conflict in a loving way and always be assured that their parents work as a team.

Mary, our blessed mother, is the perfect depiction of a humble servant who was blessed so immensely. She could have defended herself or her Son so many times (or gone around proclaiming that she was the perfect mother of God), yet we don't see her doing any such thing. She is our most perfect example of how we, as women, are called to live.


I cannot tell you how many times I have given up control of something only to be shown how it has sanctified our family. This can range from some tiny little thing in our family to something of much greater proportion.

I challenge you to truly follow your husbands. Call them on also, as we all need a little nudge to stay on the right path. But if you know that what he's telling you or suggesting isn't sinful, listen and pray. You never know the rewards that may follow- and you may not see them at all here on earth.

Here's to you momma....

Instead of the usual lovely-written "props to mom" for Mothers' Day notes, this is my list of things no one ever told me about motherhood until I experienced them myself. And yes some seem rather interesting or may be a turn off to motherhood for some, but for me they all are things I now look back on and laugh at or just shake my head. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

It's funny no one tells you of the silly things you'll have to do and all the wonderful moments you'll have. There were so many sleepless nights with Ruby Red where the mainstream would be saying, "See, I told you so" when I treasured those moments.

Here is my list of what no one ever told me about motherhood. Some are funny, some are serious and some are sarcastic, but ALL are loving and I wouldn't change a thing!

No one ever told me that...

I'd be nursing my baby in the bathroom either

a) because baby was latched on in bed and I felt bad unlatching her. I would usually continue to nurse on the toilet until she was finished, feeling bad that I would have to interrupt her yet again. Several times my legs went numb waiting for her to finish...

b) because I couldn't bear her crying at my legs with a look of rejection. In her mind, it was as if I thought going to the bathroom more important than her.

I'd have stretch marks that make me look like a tiger. No matter how much cocoa butter I've slathered on they eventually came (maybe not with the 1st baby) and they haven't gone away, although they have faded.

I'd want my pre-breastfeeding boobs back because I wouldn't have to worry about cleavage. I remember the days when all I wanted was to get pregnant so that I could be bigger up top...

Babies take up more than half the space in bed and you and your spouse are clinging to the sheets so as to not fall off.


Baby puke smells amazing.


I'd also like the sweet smell of breastmilk poop.

Bodily functions are now a normal and acceptable topic of conversation (when talking about your children, that is).


Breastfeeding in public is so controversial, yet people are so ok with seeing breasts for sexuality on magazine covers. I never knew how "anti-breast-showing" people could be towards a nursing mother before I became one.


NFP comes naturally because momma's tired or the baby's nursing all night.


People think you don't love your child or are selfish if you choose not to vaccinate. Research!

Most of the books I now read for fun are about parenting or birth.


People will give all sorts of un-asked-for advice when it comes to everything parenting. After awhile, this is tiresome for a mother, even when it's well-intended.


People think you're an idiot if you're a stay at home mom instead of juggling work, kids and home. Apparently they don't realize how busy you really are. I wish I had the relaxing days people assume I have.


You're children mimick everything. This doesn't only mean the things you say but how you react to conflict and stress. Yikes!


At the end of the day, no matter how bad of a day it was, your babies will always love you and prefer you above all else.


It is so stinkin' impossible to keep a 1 year old clean all day, even with bibs.


Rocking your baby in the middle of the night is one of the most precious moments you can have with him/her.


I would spend most of my oldest's 1st year topless, trying to bond and get her to breastfeed better. 
You have to listen to that "gut feeling" instead of what your anybody else tells you about birth, sleeping, breastfeeding. etc. You'll truly know when you need advice and hopefully ask for it. But if you know you're doing what's right for your family, follow your heart!


Everything takes longer and is messier with a toddler.


My shirt has become the universal kleenex and always has snot marks across the shoulder.


I should also be packing an extra set of clothes for myself when we're out in public.


It's not that hard to make your own baby food instead of giving them that processed stuff in the stores.


I'd start eating healthier because I have to be a good example.


There are always cheerios in our couch cushions, even though I vacuum under them several times a week.


My car will never look clean for long, no matter how hard I try.


My husband is my rock and, although not a woman or a mother, the one I turn to first. The wisdom a loving father and husband has about a situation may be right on, even if I don't agree at first!

Our dates usually include our girls either going to a restaurant with us or asleep in the backseat while we're driving around on our "coffee dates".

Unless I shower at midnight, I have no privacy in the shower.

I'd become very good at singing Imagination Movers and Laurie Berkner songs.

No matter how bad I sound singing, my girls love it and it actually soothes them.

I'd get so much joy from simply watching my girls discover and enjoy life.

I always knew I'd love being a mom, but never knew I could love it this much. My girls are my world and when I think I just couldn't love them more, I fall in love all over again.

Happy Mothers' Day to all the fantasic mommas out there!

Mary, Mother of God, pray for us!

Motherly intuition



A creative parenting moment, putting BB in her
bumbo in the kitchen sink while my husband
makes pancakes.

It's a mother's intuition
To make a little space
It's her quiet mission to tidy up her place
A mother's intuition is like a kangaroo's
She hops around, she mops the ground
She fusses over you

A mother
With her intuition
Will know just what to do
-- Carly Simon





When I found out I was expecting our first baby I was so excited and nervous. I wanted to be such a great mom yet I was afraid that I'd fall short many times. I have one sister 2 years younger than myself so I didn't grow up with babies in my home. We had many little cousins and I babysat a lot so I wasn't worried about the taking care of a baby part. What I was worried about was how I was going to love and nuture. There are so many ways to do everything when it comes to raising a baby. And it starts with pregnancy... You know you've either been asked most of these questions or asked them of yourself. 


*Will you find out the baby's gender? Sometimes
*Will you use an OB, go with a midwife, a homebirth, unassisted? Tried/trying it all. LOVED my OB, hated my midwife but will now be birthing at home.
Will you go natural? Will you do a water birth, hypnobirth or use a birthing stool? Always natural.
What positions do you think you'll use in labor? (You won't know until you're in it!)
*Will you refuse certain newborn tests and medicines? I tried in the hospital. From now on I can and will refuse all.
*What the h#^& is with this tongue-tied thing? I thought that wasn't really an issue. Now I have to think of snipping the frenulum and risk breastfeeding problems or leave things as is, hoping it will naturally stretch, and risk breastfeeding problems... We left it as is and faced major BF problems. It was a struggle but we made it for 11 1/2 months!
*Will you vaccinate, delay, pick and choose or skip them altogether? We do not vaccinate
*Who's the best pediatrician around? Still trying to figure that out. Momma knows best- that's all I know
*Will you use a pacifier or not? Yes. And no, it has not been the cause of any BF problems!
When is it going over-board asking family to wash hands before touching the baby? ??? If they have a cold and baby's new I appreciate the gesture
*Am I a bad mom for sucking the binki to clean it in public? Well I do it anyway. Better than not doing it.
*If the baby's a boy, will you circumcise?  Please ask privately....
*Once the baby comes, will you co-sleep, put the baby in a bassinet, crib or a little of everything? A little of everything. What baby wants, baby gets. No, this doesn't mean they're "spolied". You can't spoil a baby...
*Will you use disposables or cloth diapers? Both. Mostly cloth.
Will you breastfeed, formula feed or both? Breastfeed!!!
How will breastfeeding in public go? Just fine. I cover up if my top doesn't allow for modesty but mostly don't use my cover. If I'm in someone's home that's uncomfortable I will excuse myself, but if they're in my home sorry!
Will I babywear? Yes!
Will you let the baby "cry it out" or are you completely against that? Tricky. I don't believe in the "cry it out" method, but if you click here it may seem otherwise. It's truly what was the most loving at the time.
When will you start solid foods? Start after 6 months but if they push the food away we wait.
*When is a good time to leave your baby for the 1st time so you can go out with your spouse? I don't know!
*How often is too often to go out? Not really a problem. We date with our kids most of the time so I think we're good when we do get out.
*Should I feel guilty for going out occasionally? NO!
*Am I a bad wife if my husband wants to take me out and I'm "kicking and screaming" because I don't want to leave the baby? Yes LOL It's something I've had to work on
*When and how will you wean, if breastfeeding? A "soon-to-be" post
*What the heck about potty-training? Click here for what worked the 1st time around
*Oh my gosh, discipline?! Click here for a little insight into what continues to work for us. Sometimes "tough love" is necessary
*How will I handle temper tantrums, especially in public? I usually leave crying. I have no idea. I try to be firm but where the heck can I safely sit them in a "time-out"?!
*How will I defend my dignity as a mother to someone who's putting down my decisions? I get very worked up about this
Is too soon to want another baby when mine is only 6 months old? I did with Ruby Red and Baby Blue. RR was 10.5 months when we conceived BB
*Am I a bad Catholic if I don't feel ready for another? I don't think so. We're thrilled with little Sophie on the way although it was a shock
*What if my mom or mother-in-law disagrees with me? Will they think I'm a terrible mother? Will they be offended if I think differently? :::awkward silence::: please, no remarks either way!
The list goes on and on.
(The ones with the asterisk* were the most worrisome for me)


Your head is spinning, isn't it? Most of these were questions I had and I answered as succinctly as I could. Some were no-brainers but some were more difficult. I'm a perfectionist and naturally wanted every tiny thing to be perfect. I wanted not only my husband and I to be confident in who we were as parents, but I wanted our family, friends and even strangers to recognize that we loved our children and had their best interests in mind. I wanted people to realize that for every question above I searched for answers, knew boths sides to every argument and was sifting through them for our family. It wasn't easy. I never followed either my mom or mother-in-law's way of parenting exactly. We had to figure it out on our own, although we did take all advice into careful consideration. Most family members didn't come right out and say anything but I knew they didn't always like what we did or had to say about a situation. Still, through prayer, patience and trust in each other, I truly believe that my husband and I made the right decisions for our girls. Honestly, there are only a few things I would change but even then, they were stepping stones or learning tools. No parent is perfect even if they think they are. All parent's make mistakes but I would venture to say most do what they think is best.


I have several friends who disagree with me on almost every parenting topic and yet we remain friends because we respect each other. All of our kids are turning out perfectly happy and loved so I truly do believe that as long as the end is the same, the way of getting there can be different. I will admit I think I have it down to a "perfect smoothie" of parenting but that's my opinion and it's what we've seen work for us. I know I'll still learn along the way- I'll do things amazing and I'll make mistakes.

My mother was instrumental in getting me to realize there really is something to that thing called "motherly intuition". She really never told me how she mothered my sister and I, although from little snippets I think it was mostly attachment-parenting. She was always careful to simply support me and offer advice only if I was completely frazzled or asked for it. In fact, in the 3 years of being a mother she has only intervened without my asking once and it was exactly was my husband and I needed to hear. And, it was even something she struggled with as a mother herself: putting a baby to sleep in a crib when you want to co-sleep. Seriously, I received a lot of negativity for doing this but Ruby Red hated being touched and snuggled. She would scream her little head off every night as I insisted on nursing her to sleep and then continued to tuck her in with us. My mom, visiting us while we lived in a hotel for 5 months, saw this firsthand and suggested putting her to sleep on her own. I was so sad but I gave it a try. Well....within 2 nights (no exaggeration!) she became the perfect sleeper and all-of-a-sudden loved snuggling. If only I had try that 4 months before! The poor little girl felt suffocated and wanted her space. She's a lot like her mother I'll tell ya!


RR in the moby wrap on a family trip  (BB is also in tow)

 I learned a lot from this. For instance, when Baby Blue screamed in my arms at night while my husband was out of town, I needed a different approach to putting her to sleep and was much more open, thankfully!
 

Each of our children is so unique that it only makes sense to "individualize" our care of them. There is no cookie cutter that fits all kids the same, or parents for that matter! You must always follow your heart. Discussing things with my husband when I wasn't so sure of the route to take was the best help I received. Respecting his advice when I would sometimes disagree and giving it a try also proved fruitful for our family.
I'm so thankful for the support, respect, and now confidence that exists in our home. I am equally thankful for our 2 precious little girls who are so sweet and happy and who make it easy to be a gentle and loving parent...most of the time!

It's A______!!!!!

As soon as people hear that you're having a baby the next question is usually, "Are you finding out?" No matter what the answer, you either get the nod of approval or the reason they did it differently, as if they have to defend their decision. Many even seek to put your decision down. I know because I've been there.

I never thought I would be one to find out the sex of my babies until I became pregnant. With Ruby Red I just had to know. I like to be very "hands-off" with pregnancy and birth, but I do believe that one or two sonograms is ok. I loved knowing that Ruby Red was a girl, buying pretty pink and purple things, referring to her as a "she" instead of "he/she" (careful not to call baby an "it"), and calling her by name. It was so wonderful to bond with her in this special way for 5 whole months before I saw her precious little face. And, it WAS a surprise!

~Debunking the "surprise" agrument: When people say,"We like to be surprised" it's such a weak argument because whether it's at 16 weeks or 40 weeks, you're going to be surprised! I don't think one way is the right way; it's up to you and your spouse and whatever you decide is perfectly fine! And when your aunt or whoever says they didn't do sonograms when they were having babies, well Auntie, it doesn't mean we're nervous about something being wrong with our baby or that we're too impatiant. We're excited, this bonding and calling baby by name is special to some and technology evolves so it's ok if we're doing it different from you. It doesn't mean "your way" was wrong!~

We decided to wait until the birth to find out with Baby Blue. We couldn't wait to know what it felt like to wait until the end and have that moment after laboring to have a wonderful surprise. Almost everyone in the family, myself included, was sure that she was a boy since the pregnancy was so completely different from Ruby Red's. I didn't want to think about the baby as either a boy or girl, but it just sort of happened and I was so sure. We had an eventful birth with Baby Blue in the car and as she was laid on my chest, I still didn't know if she was a boy or girl. I finally asked and my mom peeked to let all of us know. I was shocked, yet it wasn't the initial surprising feeling and anticipation of waiting that I expected.  (When you unexpectedly have a baby in the car, that shock kind of takes over any other.) I loved my little girl and was so excited that Ruby Red had a little sister to play with. I loved having a sister close in age to me and was really happy they'd have the same opportunity growing up. But, I do wish we had found out earlier so that I could have treasured that moment of finding out, instead of trying to keep her warm, wishing I could nurse her and hoping that the unlatched door wouldn't fly open on the highway. I know this is an extraordinary experience and most don't have to worry about this; but since I seem to have my babies quickly, we have decided to have that "moment" again around 17 weeks. I know many love waiting until the end and it is so special for them, and maybe with the next baby we will wait; who really knows!

So, today was the day! My husband and I were so excited for this day to come. We took the girls, my sister and my mom with us to the sonogram, although we didn't find out right there in the room with the ultrasound technician- I wanted it more personal than that. After the appointment we split ways with my mom and sister and the four of us (my husband, Ruby Red, Baby Blue and I) headed out to lunch. We had previously asked the ultrasound tech to write "winner" on a piece of paper, and place the name in either a blue Easter egg for a boy or pink egg for a girl, then drop them in my purse. When we got to the restaurant we had Ruby Red take the eggs out of the purse and open them to reveal baby....and



It's a girl!!!!! My sweet little Sophie!!!

Praise God for all of His blessings in our life!

May you always find peace with your decisions as parents, especially when you are criticized for such silly and harmless things!

Potty Training

It's a question that loomed like a big gray raincloud over my head for months before I decided on how I was going to handle potty-training Ruby Red. She showed much interest at 15 months and I thought, "Hey, let's get this done before the new baby!" Well, 15 months was too young for her...and me. I wasn't ready to commit and she would only sit on the toilet to hear the squeals of delight from mommy and daddy. At 18 months I decided it was time. ...And then Baby Blue was born when my oldest was 20 months. Ruby Red saw her little sister in diapers and I was too tired and always nursing, so I became very lax with the whole thing. I will never again try potty-training a child while I'm pregnant, unless I'm very early in the pregnancy and the child is older than 18 months, maybe even 2 yrs.

This past Thanksgiving, as Ruby Red was almost 2 1/2, I was finally ready to commit. I wanted it over and done with already so I told her I was putting her in "big girl panties". I bought the economy size bag of m&m's, a bunch of stickers and off we went. I cleared our schedules for the entire week, made sure we didn't have a busy weekend coming up and only put her in pull-ups for nap and bedtime. We had quite a few mishaps the 1st few days, but I have to say that it was quite a long-lasting success in the end! Of course with the holidays, traveling and sickness, we had a few regressions but I think we can officially say we've done it! I still put her in pull-ups for nap and bedtime, but I really could probably stop naptime since she's always dry and uses the same pull-up until it gets a funny odor, but I'm too afraid to try. Maybe I'll give that a "go" next week!

As a reference I flipped to the potty-training section of Gary Ezzo's book On Becoming ToddlerWise. To be honest, this is the only thing I got out of the entire book. I read both this book of his and the BabyWise one, both books extremely criticized by most attachment-parenting mothers. But a friend suggested them to me and so I read them. As a side note, they're not all bad. He uses some parenting techniques that are a little more rigid than I would ever choose, but they're not the horrible, harsh books that typefy the mom who doesn't love or care about her children, like I've heard them described. All in all, really the only thing I got out of these books was the potty-training part but different parenting practices are better suited for all sorts of parents, babies and families.

What did you do to potty-train your child/children? How long did it take? Did you do it over the course of a year or a week?

Breathe easy

I recently read an article titled "Tame Your Temper" from one of my last issues ever of Mothering Magazine. Although I am personally frustrated and have recently been jipped by this company, this article is worth mentioning because I just tried it with my 2 1/2 year old and it worked!
If you know me at all you know that I'm feisty, quick-tempered, don't shy away from confrontation and am a Mamma Bear when it comes to my kids (and my husband, I have to admit). All of these things have proven to be both strengths and down falls depending on the situation in which they are used.
Let me tell you something, my temper almost got the better of me today, as it does most days with Ruby Red. She and I already have that kind of "tug-a-war" mother-daughter-relationship and I absolutely despise it. She is like me in so many ways. So many people, my husband and myself included, recognize that her strong-willed personality and equal "feisty-ness", if channeled the right way, will allow her to conquer the world and do much good in the world. Seriously, she could be that amazing if she learns earlier than her mommy to control her temper!
Today was a day like every other except that Baby Blue is sick with what Ruby Red had a week ago. This includes a very high fever, lethargy, a lot of snuggles and moping around. Now that Ruby Red is well again she's ready to go as usual but I have had my hands tied up in nurturing Baby Blue; Ruby Red doesn't like it one bit! Now that she's better she wants to play, and read in the tent (if she agreed to the couch we'd be fine!), and jump around like a little monkey. So, being a 2 year old and still learning how to express her emotions, we've been having a number of meltdowns and tantrums today. Now normally this would end with me trying to stay calm, but instead my blood pressure rising to the point where I explode, we start yelling at each other, both storm off and so on. Today I decided would be different. Ruby Red is never going to learn how to control her temper if she sees her mother flying off the handle. Instead I sat her down and told her not to move, like I always do. The difference was I told her that mommy needed to leave the room to breathe and calm down so I didn't lose it. I left her knowing she was safe. I went into another room, closed my eyes, prayed a desperate Hail Mary as I begged Our Lady to help me be more like her, then I began to consciously take deep breaths in and out until I felt my entire body relax. After a couple of minutes had passed I was calm again and Ruby Red had stopped screaming because she had no one to put a show on for. I went back in and we talked about her behavior- how it makes both mommy and Jesus very sad and that our goal is to make Him smile. I explained to her that Jesus' "boo boos" on the Crucifix were there because of tantrums from both kids and mommies and that we can make them feel a little better when we act out of love instead of screaming to get our way. You know- she got it! Granted she was right back to throwing another tantrum only a half hour later but I repeated everything and kept reminding myself of the article I read- of how it said to say to yourself "I can only control my actions, not hers..." I was shocked at how effectively it worked. I hope I can continue this and hopefully nip this in the bud and give my girls a head start at learning a better way to handle stress and frustration.

U-Turn

Moms often have a pre-conceived idea about how they're going to parent: how they're going to put their babies to bed, are they going to use pacifiers, are they going to vaccinate, homebirth or hospital birth, disposable or cloth diapering, the list goes on and on. I too had these lofty ideas of the perfect way to love and nurture my children. I would say that I follow attachment parenting and love the reasons why breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, etc have come to be loved by many parents. I have to admit that if the hard-core AP mom looks at me, she may not think that this fits me all the time. I have come to realize that my children don't strictly fit a certain "mold" and I have to tailor my parenting strategies according to their needs, likes, or even what's working best for our family no matter what anyone else thinks the right way may be.
My husband and I have recently grown weary of the thought of putting Baby Blue to bed. She's such an angel and I have loved nursing her to sleep and then letting her sleep in our bed so that I could roll over and nurse her when she wanted to. However, for the past few months it hasn't been as nostalgic as it was in the beginning. This happened with Ruby Red too around 6 months and we resolved to patting her to sleep, which would sometimes take hours. In the end she would eventually drift off into a peaceful and uninterrupted sleep. It was wonderful. Baby Blue was different and if we patted her and sang to her she screamed. Yet our previous way also wasn't fitting us anymore. She'd be exhausted by 8 pm and want to go to bed only to be up 1 1/2 hrs later, playing for another 3 hrs absolutely miserable because she was really tired but we couldn't convince her of this. No matter what we did or when we put her to bed, earlier or later, this was the routine and it was exhausting both physically and emotionally on all of us and usually ended up with a 1-2am bedtime :/
My husband went out of town for a week and my first thought was: "How am I going to get Baby Blue to bed on my own?" It's one thing having someone there to trade off playing with and walking the miserable and tired baby, but all alone? And what was worse was that she didn't want me, she wanted my husband. When she was with me she felt she needed to nurse, but she was tired and honestly didn't want to so she'd lay in my arms thrashing and screaming as I was trying to hush and nurse her to sleep. It was so stressful. I was also newly pregnant and didn't know it; my "morning sickness" hits at 3pm only to get worse as the night goes on. By the time we got to 8 or 9pm I was so sick and so miserably tired I couldn't take it anymore. Little did I know I was pregnant, but I don't think that would've really helped! I swore I would never let my kids "cry it out". I didn't want them scared or having mistrust issues. I would tough it out. But one night I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so sick that I had to lay her in her bed with a binki and let her cry. I cried too as I felt I was failing as a mother. I would get up every 5 minutes to reassure her that she wasn't being bad but she really needed to sleep. And you know, it worked! After an hour of her crying she was peacefully asleep. And I can tell you for certain that she wasn't one bit scared as I made sure that I crawled off the couch to let her know I was there for her. She was mad, mad, mad but ok otherwise. I never let her get so out of hand that we got to the "point of no return". When she became really worked up I would nurse her, calm her down, then lay her back in her crib. She slept 8 hours straight that night then nursed for a long time in the morning. The next day I didn't feel as sick but thought we should give it a shot again. Waaay easier. She knew what I was doing, got mad and then gave up. The third night was a little more difficult and I thought we should give it up but I didn't; I just felt I had to be firm with her. Every other night after that became easier and easier. I cannot tell you what day we're on anymore, only that she's in bed by 8-8:30 after a good nursing and asleep until 7am. Seriously! She'll occasionally wake up and talk to herself and then put herself back to sleep. I can't believe it. She really only cried 3 nights, but was doing that before when it was me and not my husband...  And the same goes for naps- I put her down with her binki, may have to go in a few times to find it for her and viola! What started out as a desperate attempt to have some peace has truly turned into just that and it wasn't the horrible, unloving scene that I had always pictured. I may not do this with the next baby. Every baby is different and this is what was in the best interest of our family. Baby Blue needed a firm but gentle reminder that she needed sleep. It wasn't a punishment and it wasn't out of selfishness on my part. Sometimes you have to take a U-Turn in parenting to see if something works, even if you swore you never would. As long as your decision or trial is done out of love and looking after what's best for your baby I really think it's ok. I wouldn't have always said this. My new style of parenting: "Baby-led parenting"; that's what I'm going to call it.
I will add one more thing and that is that I will for certain never try this with a young baby. I think that would be a little selfish and you have to first establish a good trusting relationship with your baby so that they know you're always there. I would hate it if my baby was ever scared because of something I was doing. I apologize to every mother out there I've ever judged for letting their baby cry it out. I believe that every parent that truly loves their child makes their decisions out of love. As long as that's at the forefront there's no way you can go wrong!
(Suggestions or other tips welcome as long as they're respectful. I'm sorry to anyone who disagrees with me but it may not be right for you and your family and if you've never given it an honest-to-goodness try, please don't judge.)

"The No Cry Sleep Solution" worked wonders with Ruby Red, but not so much with Baby Blue. I am still a HUGE advocate of this book! As I said, every baby is different and we tried everything from this book with Baby Blue, but in the end I think we took the right approach.

Welcome Little Baby!

My husband and I recently found out we're expecting another baby! This came much to our surprise as we were waiting at least another 9-10 months before we were going to start trying again. After the initial shock and tears subsided we realized that sometimes being "open to life" is harder than you think it ever will be. I had been at a baby shower the day before we found out, when the mommy-to-be asked if I was ready for another. My reply, "Oh no, definitely not yet." Ha!
After missing 3 Masses the morning we found out because I was a wreck, we finally made it to one. All the readings and homily seemed to have the same message: It's not always easy following God's will. Being His servant, there is often both joy and sacrifice. Thankfully for us, our families and friends, for the most part, have been incredibly supportive of us. Of course we've already gotten the looks and comments. I mean, yes 3 babies in 4 years is a lot! I won't deny that the very thought overwhelms me as I had just been saying that it was getting easier with the girls. In reality, it's probably the best timing with the campaign year coming up, since Dan will be gone a lot and at least I won't be home alone with two toddlers and a newborn... We are now very excited about this little one. Lena is very excited too! She keeps telling us she wants a "boy sister"....we'll have to work on that. LOL 
Looking back I can sort of relate to our Blessed Mother as she said "yes". (Disclaimer: I am in no way saying I am perfect or comparable to Mary; but man is it hard to say "yes" sometimes and trust that God knows what He's doing!) I know things always happen for a reason and it'll be a fun adventure. It'll also be "fun" hearing all the comments from co-workers, neighbors, family and strangers. We've already gotten a few comments like "You're brave", "You guys are going to be the next Duggars" and "Keep Dan away from my wife". Why don't these people just mind their own business and celebrate the blessing of a new life?! Dan and I both said, as we were dreading telling people, it's not always easy following Him but that's exactly what we're called to do.
So, welcome little one! We cannot wait to meet you and I'm very excited about this 9 month journey to bond with you and love you.